Depression

I feel like I've hit a huge low point in my life right now. The thought of eating healthy and exercising right now are completely repulsive to me. I don't want to do anything, my house is a mess; my whole life feels like a mess. There are so many things I should be doing and I'm just not doing them.

I decided to see what the symptoms of depression are and it wasn't a happy find:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions (Yep)
• fatigue and decreased energy (Yep)
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness (Yep)
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism (Yep)
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping (Yep)
• irritability, restlessness (Yep)
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable (Yep)
• overeating or appetite loss (Yep)
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment (Nope)
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings (Yep)
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts (Definately not)

(Web MD http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression)

The reason I'm posting all of this hear is because I'm not real comfortable talking about this with my family. Which really doesn't make sense I suppose, but I guess I don't like admitting my weaknesses to them?

Anyway, I want to change, I want to be happier, but I'm just not sure what to do. Everything seems so hard right now. I think the part of the problem is that I really want to move out of my parent's house and start taking care of myself (and my kids) on my own. But, my parent's are really against the idea. I understand where they are coming from, because my past is not a pleasant one and I've made a lot of bad choices in the past. But, that was 5 years ago, and I'd like to think I've changed. It's hard for me to make this decision when the ones I love the most are against me. I feel like I'm incapable of doing anything right.

I know that the best possible solution to all of this would be to start reading my bible, praying, eating right, and exercising; I just don't want to.

Never Again

I made two pans of Moussaka today! Even though it tastes really good, I will probably never make it again - it's too time consuming! It took me probably 4 hours to make. (I had to stop several times to deal with kids, eat lunch, and get milk to finish it though.)

Haddock Two Ways

Sweet Pickled Carrot Cabbage Salad Recipe

1/2 large head of chinese cabbage - shredded

2 cups shredded carrots

2 teaspoons chopped ginger

2 teaspoons salt

2 tablespoons white sugar

2 tablespoons soy sauce (try with light)

4 tablespoons rice vinegar

Place cabbage, carrots, ginger, and salt in large plastic bag. Toss to blend than allow it to sit for 20 minutes to soften the cabbage and carrots. Squeeze out excess liquid. Add sauce ingredients and remove air. Place heavy object on top to press the liquid out of the vegetables. Allow it to set for 1 or 2 hours. Drain and serve. Enjoy!

In Memory of...

my Grandpa. A great man who has gone to be with Jesus.

He loved to watch birds and this is a small way for me to remember him. I'll never forget how my siblings and I would fight over who got to sit next to him at the table.

The New Plan

I went to the gym today for the first time in - let's just say a LONG time. I forgot to bring my workout shoes, so I ended up having to do pilates. My gym has a "cardio theater" which is basically a room with lots of mirrors and a huge screen. They also has hundreds of workout videos to choose from. Anyway, I was standing in my usual spot were I can see the screen, but I can also see myself, it dawned on me how much weight I had lost, and how much I've put back on. Not a good mindset when you're trying to exercise. Then the video I picked out was extremely hard and I was only able to do half the moves (in was only 20 minutes.) So I left the gym feeling like a big, fat failure.


But, after "working out" I went to a fast food restuarant and only got a salad (the one above)! So, I really shouldn't be beating myself up to much. In fact, today was the first day in a long time that I didn't over eat. I'd like to say I'm enthusiastic about eating healthy and exercising again; but I'm just not. It crazy, because I know I'll feel better, have more energy, and just be happier in general - why would I resist that? Oh, right, because it takes work. hehehe


I'm taking a psychology course right now and this past week I was suppose to write a behavioral contract stating a bad habit I want to break. Can you guess what I wrote about? ;) I was also suppose to set goals and state rewards/punishment. Here is a portion of what I wrote:

"The guidelines I am setting in this contract are: to lose at least one pound every week, to eat healthy meals using bento boxes to control my portion sizes, and to exercise on a regular basis (at least two times a week). Also, as part of this contract, on May 31st, 2009 I will write a new eight-week contract. This will be necessary to receive the reward at the end of this contract.
If I do not follow the guidelines set in this contract there will be several consequences. If I overeat on any given day, I will not allow myself to use the computer, watch movies, or play games for the remainder of that day. If I do not lose at least one pound on any given week, I will not be able to watch any movies for the following week.

But I will also reward myself if I follow these guidelines. If I go without overeating for a whole day, I will allow myself at least one hour of relaxation time at night. For instance I could watch a movie or play a game. If I go for a whole week without overeating and lose at least one pound, I will allow myself to have one junk food item, but within moderation. If I lose at least eight pounds by May 31st, 2009 and write a new contract, I will buy myself one new outfit."

So this is my new plan; to start setting goals, eight weeks at a time. I'd love it if someone joined me on the first eight weeks. I started a thread on my blog for tracking exercising; anyone is welcome to post their progress as well. This week will be from April 6th through April 12th. Let's see how it goes!

Life is always changing, but some things remain the same.

There is something about butter toast and jam that will forever reminding me of visiting my grandparents. I remember getting up in the morning while visiting, and I always knew there would be toast, jam, bananas, and milk waiting. Sometimes there would be eggs or bacon or sausage, but the others were always the same. It's funny how food can be so nostalgic.

I made some major changes to my website yesterday and will continue to do so over the next week or so. This blog will continue to be about my personal journey, but the website and forum are going to be more about helping others. The only changes here are a new banner and organization of older post.

Today is a new beginning for me; another starting over. Some people may say that I have failed, and question why I'd bother to continue, but I will still continue. My failures haven't been failures, they have been learning experiences. I can see where I struggle and I can learn to work around them. I won't let these set backs keep me from trying; I know that I can do it, I can change.

I'm just a slow learner though! LOL